you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
