You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
