I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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