My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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