he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
