everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
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I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
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I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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