Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
