I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
