his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
