Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Randomize
