It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
