I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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