just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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