i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
