dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
