Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
