dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
