I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
