Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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