Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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