It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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