New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
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Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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