he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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