Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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