omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
