the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
