i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
