Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
