he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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