I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize