Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
