i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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