i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
