I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
