Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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