final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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