Umm I'm too high to move.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
