party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
