i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Randomize
