everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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