Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my phone needs a breathalizer
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize