so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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