just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
