pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
