if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
