Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
