my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
