I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
either way he was missing a nipple.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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