Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Is that strawberry winking at me??
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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