Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
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Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
as a side note pls kill me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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