I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
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What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
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I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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