david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
