Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
