Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's shark week go big or go home
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
