We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
