I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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