Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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