Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.