I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.