What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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