I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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