tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
