i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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