Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
