I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
